Can't Sleep

You ever have one of those nights where you can't sleep, no matter what? Well, that's my night. I have so much on my mind that I can't seem to let it go for five minutes to fall alseep. So, here I sit... maybe if I write them out... I can sleep.

Well, last night my dad got hurt pretty bad at work. He hurt his shoulder and his head. I felt really halpless cause he works over night in Gadsen and I couldn't go get him. (I am so geologically challeneged!). He says he's okay now... I think he only says that because he's doped up on pain meds. But I still worry. He is the only father I have. I think I worry so much about the four family members I have because they are all that I have.

Then... there's the whole Mr. Ostrich thingy. Last night was a good way not to think about it, but I have to come back to reality sooner or later. So, here's the thing... At first I was patient and everything, but I really figured that it would turn to anger sooner or later. And it's werid because it hasn't. Why? I mean, after everything he has told me, I do still think he is being a little selfish about his problems. So, I got to thinking. Wednesday, I prayed for his whole court thing. With him not talking to me, I never wished him any bad luck. I prayed that God's will be done and that he would move in his life. I'm not angry at him either. Is there something wrong with me? Well, that's what I thought at first. It kinda hit me tonight, the answer... it's not me at all. I think if it was me, I would be angry and hate him, but I don't. It's God changing my mind. I know we all know the verse about "renewing of our minds," I never really thought all too much about it until tonight. God IS changing to way I think about things and about how I pray. I don't say that to brag... okay... maybe I do... on God! I'm still frustrated about the situation cause I really wish he would talk to me, but it means more to me that he gets his life and relationship together with God and that God's glory will be seen.

I know that a lot of it stems from the inabilty of my heart sometimes. My mom says it is my weakness and greatest strength. I always give my whole self and whole heart, so when it gets broken it hurts a lot.

Which brings me to my last thing. I am so fed up with being the good girl sometimes. I am so at the point in my life where I want to start settling down and starting a family. One problem... no groom. I am tired of hearing that this boy of that boy needs friendship and prayer instead of me. It hurts, but then again I feel helpless. My first boyfriend and I got engaged and then one day he said he didn't love me any more. I see him around Center Point sometimes... he is a father and has dropped out of school. He was my first love and I know a part of me will always love him... so I do pray for him every now and then. The whole time we were together, he faked going to church because he "loved me." Then my second boyfriend, he was a pot head (literally) and he asked me out like three times. I finally said yes, after he had gotten saved and it was like 5 months later. Our relationship, I think, was more of a starter up Christian thing. After I broke up with him, he went right back to pot and drinking. I still pray for him too. The list goes on with two other guys, but the story never changes. I get to tired of being there and scraficing for others. Where is my knight in shining armor? I know that God's timing is the best, but I can't help feeling frusrated now.

And to top it all off... before we went to North Carolina I did like someone and we went on like two dates, but nothing I guess came of it. So, I meet Mr. Ostrich and it seemed to be working out all right. Now here I sit, a month later, and the guy from before was totally sweet to me last night at the pool party. Those feelings kinda came back a little. Who the crap do I like? Who do I wait on to grow up a little? Do I forget them both? I have no idea. I know that I'm not gonna turn from 21 to 50 in two seconds, I just don't wanna be the crazy old lady with a million pets.

These are just my Jellio's on my mind. I think if I sleep at the foot of my bed, I may be able to sleep better... Well, I guess that's it. I'm off to bed! Thanks for listening.